This is an “actual letter” from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, un les s you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . …

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


Day 55 – Quotes

I have kept a journal since I first really started to write. So this means, I have essentially been writing since I was 7 years old. I was reading through one the other day and came across this thought I had…

Have you ever noticed how lonely the rain is? It’s like the sky is crying for some forgotten memory. (1992)

Why a thought like that would occur to me, I’m not quite sure. However, that’s how my brain operates and I’m frankly a little afraid of sharing some of this kind of stuff with you – whether the fear is rational or not. However, the only way to conquer fear is to tackle the thing you are most afraid of.

I actually did that the other day. I think my body took the tackling literally however because the doctor seems to think I have a stress fracture in my left foot. I don’t quite buy it… think it’s probably just a strain or a sprain, but here I am hobbling around on crutches. And it’s quite the workout since I’m 50 pounds heavier since the last time I utilized the mobility devices. So what happened? I was scared to run. Weird, but true.

You see, I blew my hip out in the police academy in September 2008 and COULDN’T workout or do a whole lot. I finally was cleared for full duty in February 2010. That’s quite a while to be sitting around and doing nothing. Long story short, I didn’t know if I could run again… weird, but true. When you don’t do something for over 2 years, you wonder. So … with all the added weight, I ran. Felt good. Until it didn’t.

Anyway, I’m sure I actually have much more to write about this whole thing, but I’m actually on good painkillers and everything is a little blurry and I can’t focus on whatever it is I am officially rambling about. More later when I can make more sense of the universe….

Nik Kershaw – Roses

In light of the previous blog post “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” – I thought I would share where I got the title. This is actually a line from a song written by Nik Kershaw that came out in the 80’s. I think it still kind of speaks to society today. I can’t say that there’s an actual “dedication” involved, but to the group of friends at AHS that got me hooked… thanks.

Make it plastic make it pay
Use it up and throw away
Make another just the same, more or less

Burn our time down to size
Send it up into the skies
Hide the evidence with lies, what a mess

But we’ve just come from a meeting
And we’re sure you’d like to know
There’ll be deep blue skies and clear blue waters
Everywhere you go

‘cos everything’s coming up roses
Or so they tell you
Coming up smelling of roses
Or so they say
Yes everything’s coming up roses
Or so they tell you
Coming up smelling of roses
Or so they say

In the name of energy
We give our problems to the sea
But they’ll be back for you and me
In or haste, we forget
Leaving our mistakes behind
Out of sight is out of mind
Our disposable mankind
What a waste

But we’ve talked to the experts
And they know a thing or two
They say it’s all hunky dory
There’s nothing for you to do
‘cos everything’s coming up roses
Or so they tell you
Coming up smelling of roses
Or so they say
Yes everything’s coming up roses
Or so they tell you
Coming up smelling of roses
Or so they say

But it’s an awful price to pay
Believing everything they say
Here tomorrow gone today
So take me home to the red red skies and the
Brown, brown grass and the black, black seas
And the broken glass and the dead, dead trees
But everything’s coming up roses
Or that’s what they tell you

‘cos everything’s coming up roses
Or so they tell you
Coming up smelling of roses
Or so they say
Yes everything’s coming up roses
Or so they tell you
Coming up smelling of roses
Or so they say

‘cos everything’s coming up roses

Day 53 – Everything’s Coming Up Roses

I’m not sure if I really have a favorite day of the week, but Thursday is definitely right up there. Tonight is “results night” with American Idol. I didn’t get to see the boys perform, but the girls didn’t overly impress me. I’m not sure if it was song choice or just one of those things, but we’ll have to see what happens.

The news has been interesting lately insofar as celebrity things going on. Charlie Sheen (Carlos Estevez) has been having a meltdown, but for some reason, I appreciate the ownership of his whacked-out self. For some reason though, I now have to group him in the “Tom Cruise” category after the interview I saw on ABC. One of the first things I remember seeing him in was “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off” when Charlie was a drugged out criminal. I thought to myself at that time Charlie actually looked like a druggie. Unfortunately, I think Charlie has stayed in character way too long.

I’ve also sort of kept up with some of Britain’s big nuptuals to be. I remember getting up early to see Princess Diana and Charles’ (gag) wedding. That was such an amazing wedding and I for one thought the pomp and circumstance surrounding it was awesome. I don’t think the carriage ride will take place, which is very sad, but that is something so typically “Royal” that they should have something equally as cool for their departure. I know a lot of people in the States don’t care what happens across the pond. However, I think it’s wonderful that we will get to witness another royal marriage. Every girl in the world wants to marry a Prince and have the big fairy-tale wedding, but since we all can’t-we at least get to watch.

In other news, lots of changes at the casa. We’ve been working on resume’s for the DH and getting those out to varying peoples / agencies / organizations. We need to get a lot more out and hopefull that will take place soon. I have started working on mine, but for some reason, mine is a little more difficult because I have such a diverse employment background.

Last night, I went for a walk-jog-half-assed-attempt-at-running which was rather laughable. BUT… I worked up a sweat and felt better about life when I woke up this morning. I also have a small blister on my right foot. C’est la vie. I can’t say that the weight-loss adventure has really worked thus far. I know part of it is stress. Not a cop-out, but the truth. I haven’t been this stressed in years and when I’m stressed, I live on comfort foods. I am also thinking that it’s possible at this point I have some thyroid-hormone type of thing going on. I’ve contemplated going to an endochronologist to have some blood work done, but haven’t made the decision to actually do that yet. I had the doc do some a couple of months ago when I went for my annual exam and the thyroid came back normal. But that still doesn’t explain how my symptoms correspond to hypothyroidism. We’ll see I suppose. Combine those factors with the fact I’ve been menopausal for a good decade, weight does NOT come off quickly.

Life Lesson #53 Carpe Diem!!!!

Food tally for the day:
Breakfast: Cream of Wheat
Morning Snack: Briscuit Breakfast Burrito w. salsa (obviously cream of wheat by itself isn’t enough food to sustain a person…) This was followed by 2 Tums. Ugh.
Lunch: TBA
Afternoon Treat: TBA
Dinner: TBA

Health & Fitness #53 Put your kitchen on a diet before starting your own weight loss plan. It just makes sense if you “slim down” the crap from your kitchen, you won’t be tempted to indulge in “crap.”

Feeding the Spirit #53

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.
— Colossians 1:15 (NIV)

Thoughts on Today’s Verse…
If we had been alive when Jesus worked in the carpentry shop in Nazareth or walked along the Sea of Galilee near Capernaum, we could have said, “There goes God,” and been right. The amazing reality of Jesus is that he was God among us. Matthew calls him Immanuel, “God with us.” In Colossians 1, Paul pours out every superlative he can use to describe Jesus’ preeminence over everything and everyone. He is God with a human face. He is the ruler, the transcendent one, who reigns above all creation. He is also our Savior and our sacrifice.

Day 50 – And on a Monday too.

Well, here I am once again checking in. Things have been super nuts lately and Maverick, the amazing dog, is clingy. For the past two days he wants to be either right by my side or on my lap. Seeing as his chin can comfortably sit on my desktop, you can imagine that isn’t going to be the best idea if I intend on breathing.

I’m also sitting here eating a not so well balanced breakfast of cream of wheat and tea. Need more protein, but have no time to make some eggs. I have to leave here in 2 min and 22 seconds. Poetic, eh? So I shall continue this a little later….