Hey Jealousy

“Hey Jealousy” is a song by the Gin Blossoms and it’s quite good. The reality of jealousy isn’t quite as good and can leave a person confused and angry. Tonight, my mother’s jealousy and mental illness combined together to create an unpleasant situation.

My youngest just celebrated her 16th birthday, which I believe I covered briefly the other day. We were scheduled to go to dinner with my mother one night this week and I MISTAKENLY thought it was dinner, not a delay in her birthday celebration. I don’t know why and this wouldn’t have been an issue if mother weren’t so agoraphobic and made her real celebration like everyone else did. I’m sure we discussed this as her make-up birthday dinner, but for whatever reason, my short-term memory isn’t all that and a bag of chips lately. So…. the conversation went something like the following (but not exactly because remember that short term memory loss?)

Me: We’re good for dinner, but it will be the four of us. J is out of town with K, B, and B for her birthday. They went to Oklahoma City.

Mom: Well, if she’s not going, I’m not going?

Me: Why not?

Mom: Because it’s her birthday dinner.

Me: I’m sorry, I got it messed up. I forgot it was her birthday dinner.

Mom: And I think she’s spending entirely too much time over there. She’s spending two nights a week and now she’s gone for the weekend? What is she, their other daughter?

Me: No mom.with an inward groan She’s spending time over there because she wants to and there’s not much for her to do here in the summer.(Because the other 3 of us in the house are working / school) Plus, she spends a bit of time cleaning and helping around the house.

More conversation back and forth until:
Me: If you want her to spend time over there or want some help, then ask her like K & B do. If you want her to clean or whatnot just call her.

Mom: LONG PAUSE…. I don’t want to do things like K & B do.

Me: I understand that, but it’s not like J can come spend that much time over there. Referring to spending the night more than anything else. There’s no place for her to sleep or anything. She’s over there helping them clean because they need the help.

Mom: (Screaming) They don’t need help…. and then the subtle sounds of disconnect.

Yes, I did the daughterly duty and tried to call back. I let the phone ring through multiple phone calls over 50 times. I give up. I’m not calling her back and if she wants to talk to me, then she better have an apology ready.

I am so tired of her being jealous because 1) other people are doing what she wants to do, but can’t do not because of physical infirmity, but because her mind won’t let her. 2) I’m tired of her blaming everyone else for her decisions. I can honestly say I will be grateful when I don’t have to deal with this any more. I love my mother, just as I love my father (may he rest in peace.) However, when you have someone in your family who is mentally ill, the emotional cost can be too high and at this point, I’m tired and don’t want to deal with it. No wonder my children don’t want to call her – it’s too much of an effort.

And speaking of effort, I’m done with my rant. Time for snoozing.


Radio, Birthdays and Other Adventures

Yesterday was my youngest’s 16th birthday, but because of life and all of it’s adventures, we celebrated with friends and family on Sunday. I would just like to say to my kiddo, “I love you… You are amazing.”

And I would like to add that despite the birthday, I did fairly well on keeping to the diet and instead of eating the two slices of cake and a half gallon of icecream, I had 1 slice of cake (and tried not to eat any of the icing) and had 4oz of the icecream. yay! My calories were exceeded; however, I’m not going to beat myself up over it too much because I got back on track yesterday. The diet is going okay so far. I’m using CalorieKing to track my food and exercise and it’s a program that WORKS.

In other news… I’m totally digging the work at FM90. Being back on the air after such a long hiatus is a little weird, but I’m reconnecting to a part of myself that I hadn’t seen in a while. It’s nice to rediscover yourself after a long absence. www.kacvfm.org
You can catch me and Tommy tonight from 9 til Midnight covering the best alternative music from the 1990’s.

More from the flip side a little later… lunch break is almost over and I need to take a walk.

Sleep Deprivation

Ok. I’m writing this at 1215AM. I should be in bed, but frankly, that won’t happen for a few. So I can continue to toss and turn and generally be pissed off at the universe (again) or I can sit and write a little bit and put the frustrations to good use.

Sleep deprivation is a bad thing and from the targetwomen.com website, I had to do a little cut and paste so I could put this all in perspective.

Some of the common symptoms of sleep deprivation are fatigue, lack of physical energy and exhaustion. Our emotional moods are affected by exhaustion and fatigue. This condition in turn will lead to pessimism, sadness, stress and anger. To function effectively, the frontal cortex of our brain needs sufficient sleep. The ability to control speech, problem solving and accessing memory is all controlled by the frontal cortex and if there is not enough rest, these abilities are affected. If there is no sufficient rest, driving can be dangerous.

Adult symptoms of sleep deprivation may vary from those of a child. Yawning constantly, dozing off while watching a television show, poor concentration and grogginess while waking up are some of the symptoms adults display when they are deprived of sleep. The symptoms of a sleep-deprived child include irritability, daytime naps, tantrums, hyperactive behavior and moodiness. Getting out of bed in the morning is a problem for children who experience sleep deprivation.

There are a number of consequences for not getting the recommended number of hours of sleep a night, which by the way are 8. The heftiest one: obesity. The most morbid; death. Not a fan of those ideas.

To put this sleep thing in perspective:
* My darling hubby snores to the point where it’s not only loud, but the vibrations carry throughout the bed and there are some nights ( about 50% of the time) I have to take some melatonin or a night time sleep aid to help even get to sleep.
* If I am lucky, I can actually sleep in my own bed one or two nights a week. The majority of the time I have to move to the couch (Remember that not a fan thing? Count this in on that.)
* There are some nights one of the kids is spending the night with a friend or grandparents. Those nights I generally get to sleep an entire night in a bed.
* Couple the aforementioned with a lack of exercise (because I’m freakin’ tired) and the extra 50-60 pounds I’m carrying, a lovely case of what I think is RLS (possibly caused by the night time sleep aids) and to top it off … plantar fasciatis… no wonder I am only averaging 4 – 6 hours of sleep a night.

Now.. if you look at the fact I generally am getting to sleep about 0100 – 0130 and have to get up and pee at least once, sometimes twice, because of other physical problems then I say that starts moving the sleep scale down to 3-5 hours a night because it sometimes takes me a while to get back to sleep after waking.

I’m not the only one in the family that suffers from this malady. My mother is a poster child and I do wonder about some freaked out genetic link. Sleep deprivation has a lot of behavioral side effects and I found this one which really does describe me and my mom to some degree…

If you were a happy-go-lucky by nature, get ready for a new you, if you are a victim of sleep deprivation. Nothing will make you happy, as you will be down almost all the time. Not only will your health be affected, but you will also get drowned from the mental point of view. Thus, the positive vibes, which you would have bought in the room previously, is going to be replaced by a lethargic and a negative atmosphere. http://www.effectsofsleepdeprivation.net

I can’t say mom’s ever been happy-go-lucky, but negativity is her mainstay. And lately, I find myself to be quite irritable nature.

Irrespective of the importance that the person, at the other end, holds in your life, you will start getting irritated with everything coming from them. This may cause fissures in the relation and ultimately, lead your life to get filled with stress and tension.

If I look at my situation honestly, yes. This is the case. Not a fan of this either.

So what’s the solution?
They claim: exercise, relaxation techniques, meditation, diet and sometimes natural supplements.

I could argue against many of these, but the fact of the matter is I’m knee deep in Crap-Creek and need a way out. I’m starting a new blog that will hopefully focus on these very issues. Stay tuned for more details… after a word from this nap. Good night…