Eldest is getting married to a pretty cool guy in two months. They have been engaged for many years and their relationship has survived both living 1700+ miles apart, living together and then some additional separation while he’s an OTR (long distance) semi driver. There are many relationships that can’t handle the separation, but they make it work. He’s from a loving family and his parents are pretty great. I’m very blessed Eldest is becoming part of their clan and her fiance is becoming part of ours.

However, I have a stupid problem. Surgery issues aside, I am trying to find something to wear for the wedding which will be held at Palo Duro Canyon, the second largest canyon in the entire country. It’s one of my favorite places, truth be told. In college, I spent many hours hiking the various trails, riding horses along trails and creek beds and I also spent time with some really great friends there. There’s something special about it that I can’t exactly pinpoint, but it exists. But with the “magic” comes the Texas Panhandle weather. It can be very warm and windy where the Pavilion is located. Ahhh… the joys of Texas. If you have never visited PDC, it really is pretty after some rain. There’s also the musical, appropriately titled “Texas” held in the natural amphitheater of the canyon. People come from all over the world for the experience.

Sorry. Once again I totally digressed. Squirrel!

Getting back on track – Finding the “perfect” attire is contingent on a number of factors the least of which is the aforementioned heat and wind. (I don’t want a Marilyn Monroe moment as no one needs to see the extra fluff I carry around.) I also don’t want to “match,” but compliment the wedding party colors. My daughter is wanting a Derby Day kind of feel, but right now, I rather feel like a horse after the race.

Fact: I hate dresses. I literally despise them. I’d rather rack up frequent flyer miles to Dante’s 1st level of hell. I’ve worn a few. Literally. A few. I think I can count about 12 from the time I was 15 on. I didn’t even wear a dress to my own wedding. I wore a skirt suit and as hot as it was, shorts and a t-shirt would have done nicely. I honestly don’t even know why I purchase dresses other than jeans aren’t socially acceptable to certain events.

SO…. then the question of the day: Why is it so hard to find something appropriate to wear as the “Mother of the Bride?”

Insert Long-Winded Diatribe Here: UGH…….

Eldest and I went to just two stores one day this week because that’s really all I could handle post-op. I tried on several things. There was one I loved the color of, but it was ill fitting and fated back to the racks. There was a dress that looked like I was wearing a bib. I’m well past the age of wearing a bib. There were other dresses I may have liked, but as I’m fluffy, they were ill-fitting to say the least.

In my internet travels around the world, I have seen more than TWO THOUSAND dresses & “dressy pants suits” in the past few weeks. No. That is not an exaggeration in the slightest. There are some really beautiful dresses and outfits, but none that scream “me” let alone “mother of the bride” or rather “me as a mother of the bride” to me. And those that bear the claim “mother of the bride,” Oy vey. Let me tell you…

I don’t feel any inclination in shoving my extra fluff into body-hugging sausage casing. There’s also no need to let the girls hang out nor let my belly button show. Pleats belong on Catholic School Girl uniforms, certain Kilts or Brittany Spears. I really don’t need a slit in a dress clean up to my hip. Lace. There is so much freaking lace. WHY? It’s often itchy, is easily ripped, and did I mention the “itchy factor?” Velvet / Brocade in June is just untenable. Feathers?!? Oy. Mesh / Tulle is also uncomfortable and I’m definitely not looking for anything that is see-through or that you could use to sift flour. Sequins are probably great for illuminating the runaway for a Boeing 777, (and I actually kind of like them – shocker, I know.) Leather? In June? (Did you ever see that episode of Friends with Ross and the leather pants? That would be me.)

Then there’s the cuts. (I’m not talking steak here, but now that I mention it, a good Ribeye sounds good.) I’m talking about A-line, Mermaid, Ballgown, Sheath, Column, Fit & Flare, Maxi, Mini, Empire, Revel, Wraps, Halters, Tunics, V-Waists, Body-Cons, Peasant, Prairie, Strapless, Two-Piece, Grecian … oh … let’s NOT forget the dress cut wanna-be’s: jumpsuits, your second worst enemy in a bathroom emergency. The first is shape wear often just referred to as Spanx. The less said about that, the better. But if you don’t know what this rather uncomfortable shape wear is, here’s just one of the “samples.”

Finally… the colors and sizes. I was blessed with my mom’s eye for color and my dad’s build. The dresses/outfit’s I’ve deemed tolerable don’t even come close to the colors in Eldest’s wedding and those that do – don’t come in the size I need. (I’m trying to “downsize,” but post op it’s difficult.)

Do you know who is going to stand out like a sore thumb when this is all over?

This girl.

Me.

In short… In a few months, I’ll likely be the girl in the very, very sparkly hot pink dress wearing matching Converse tennis shoes and a feather boa whilest drinking schnapps and wondering just what happened.