Tag Archives: Fear

The Noggin’ Chronicles Part 8

04-21-23 / Friday

When I’m not feeling overly well, I have several playlists I listen to depending on what I’m doing, experiencing or feeling. I find outside of reading, music is a balm that helps make everything better. Right now, I’m listening to Elton John. I don’t know if that tells you anything or not. However, it’s “that” kind of day. Last night’s pain abated with meds, but returned earlier this morning. Hubs took a look and the Bermuda Triangle of my head is still a little puffy. So once again, I’m laying on an ice pack and I’m trying to distract myself by listening and writing. However, I think a nap is called for. Maybe that will help.

04-22-23 / Saturday 1900 CDT

A nap was definitely in order. The last two days have been pretty rough, but that’s okay. I know to expect ups and downs. The carousel just keeps spinning round and round.

The stomach bug has been hanging on for over a week. Today, I may not have made a good choice to hurry things along. I went out this afternoon on a Starbucks run. I haven’t had a cup of coffee since March 28th and while I love java, it doesn’t necessarily like me. Nor does my body react favorably to a Frappuccino. So what did I do in my infinite wisdom? If you guessed ordered and drank both, you would be correct.

Photo Courtesy: Elgin Akyurt

The lovely cup of java stupidity had it’s intended affect followed up by the Frap which turned my bowels into a tsunami storm surge. I expected this. I was prepared for it. What I was not prepared for was the headache that darned near sent me to the ground in the fetal position while the storm was raging.

Lemme tell ya, I don’t know if this head thing is a headache or a migraine relocated to a different position in my head or what it is. Right now, the entire back side of my head has been hurting. It’s a throbbing that I haven’t experienced in that area of the noggin and I haven’t had a migraine in almost a month. I question if the coffee has lit the fuse on something that could be very bad. Needless to say, I think I’ll be NOT partaking in my favorite beverage again any time soon.

04-23-23 / Sunday at 0400 CDT

Oh for the love of all that is pure and holy… I am 5 days shy of being a month post-op. I was feeling pretty decent until yesterday and then whammo. Literally, I was in the loo having issues and suddenly the entire back of my head experienced what could only be described as a level 12 migraine for a few minutes and then it backed off and is now located toward the end of the incision near the top of my right ear about a level 7. This spot is where I have almost always gotten my migraines. I’m icing it now, but mercy… this hurts. I haven’t had a migraine since surgery and NEVER had anything like this happen.  

There’s also a pretty massive weather front that came through which is normally the biggest migraine trigger for me. I’m feeling down because I hurt. It’s the middle of the night. Hubs is dead asleep as are the Grands and my Youngest is at work. (However, she is texting me so there is something positive.) Even the dogs don’t want to commiserate with me.

I took a couple of extra strength Tylenol and I’m hoping that helps. I’m also trying not to cry because if this pounding is actually a migraine, crying will just make things worse. Add to all that I’m supposed to go back to work in a couple of days and well… I’m down.

I know that this surgical recovery takes 6 months to a year, but it was sooooo nice not to have the migraine pain. It’s literally been years without the non-stop pounding and the past three weeks have been life changing in a way that I could actually see who I was and who I could be without the pain.

For ages it seems I have let everyone down many times over and I haven’t had anything resembling a social life in who knows how long. I remember once upon a time having one – being able to go out with friends and family without ever thinking about the cranium hurting or wanting to run headfirst into a wall until I’m unconscious. I don’t ever want to go back to that place, but that place is currently visiting me. I’m scared to be honest.

Photo: Engin Akyurt / Perfect example of either a Pink Floyd song or a wall I would feel like running headlong into. Your choice.

I said that this surgery would be worth it even if it cut down the number of migraine days or the percentage of pain I experience. Maybe this is just “one day” or maybe more. I do know before surgery I was in 24/7 headaches and averaged 20 actual migraine days a month.

Trying to think positive here and maybe this is just a one step forward, one step back kind of thing. Anyway, I thought I would share in case anyone else has experienced this. You are not alone. I’m not alone. We are in this together.

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Simplicity and Honesty

I normally start all my blogs with a quote. Today – not so much.  I’m going to try to keep this simple and honest. No pretty pictures. Just raw and honest about a few things.

When I was a kid, I had all the unrealistic expectations you would expect a child to have. As I became a teenager, I had a couple of lofty ambitions. I expected I would become a journalist, the next Woodward/Bernstein, or I would work for Rolling Stone or Time magazine – travel the world and see the sights and hear the sounds the world has to offer.  But I grew older and I settled for less and I settled down. I got used to routine and the day-in/day-out became comfortable.

I never stopped to wonder why.

The time has come to take everything I have known and disenfranchise myself from my hometown and take on “new adventures.” It’s harder when we get older. Even though I remind myself I’m not old, right now – this very moment – I feel old. And afraid.

There. I said it. I’m afraid of starting completely over.

I’m afraid of moving to a new place that’s not so comfortable. This town is like a well-worn pair of jeans. But I’m scared to see if that pair of jeans is just hanging on by a thread and if my underwear is starting to show.

I’m afraid of trying to find a new job.
I’m afraid of not finding a job.
I’m afraid of looking for a new place to live.
I’m afraid of homelessness.
I’m afraid of finding new doctors because mine know me so well.
I’m afraid of not finding doctors that have a clue.
I’m afraid of driving in a place I know nothing about that has a crap-ton more traffic.
I’m afraid of getting into an accident.
I’m afraid of not fitting in.
I’m afraid of people not understanding my warped sense of humor.
I’m afraid of being “alone” in a place with thousands of people.
I’m afraid of wanting to come running “home” and home just not being home anymore.

I never thought that my fearless teenage self would be sitting in front of a computer at middle age afraid to embrace change. But there it is in stark black and white. Simple and honest.