Tag Archives: home

Lost

Currently, I’m sitting in the dark at the new apartment, which still doesn’t feel like “home.” I’m eating an Amy’s TV dinner and listening to Coldplay’s “Magic” while the dog looks out the window wondering if there are squirrels running amok. The weather is not bright and sunny, but sad, almost morbid. It fits my mood. 

After many months, I have finally found a new job and relocated over 350 miles from “home.” This is disconcerting to say the least. For many, this isn’t anything to write about. People pack up and move all the time. But for more than a few decades, I have been in the same city of under 200k located in the middle of nowhere. Now, I’m in a true metropolis and I feel lost. 

My friends and family tell me I should be happy. Maybe I should, but I’m in mourning. I miss my friends and my family left behind – especially my daughters and my mother. Right now I miss my friends at work. I know I’ll make some new friends, but it’s not feeling the same. Maybe it’s not supposed to. I don’t know. 

I’m sorry this first post in a while is so depressing… I promise I’ll shake the mood after I wallow for a bit. Maybe I just need to get out of the darkness that surrounds me and wander around this new city that I now call home. 

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Gasping for Air

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
~Steve Jobs ~

When I was younger, I was impulsive – some would say rash, maybe thoughtless. I often made decisions by the seat of my pants and while some of that was sheer teenage rebellion, some of it was the deep seeded desire to do something “more”,  want something more, BE something “more.”  And the good Lord knows I got burned more than once. However, I learned through age and experience, grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s still grass and it may be growing over a septic tank. So I tempered that part of me, have learned to make sound decisions and as middle age has pretty much arrived, have found myself in a conundrum. 

Change – It’s rearing it’s ugly head and I’m oh-so-not ready for it. 

Empty nest syndrome is just around the corner; darling hubby’s job situation is about to make some really drastic changes affecting me and the kids and my elderly mother’s health is starting to decline – which also has a bearing on some other things going on. 

I feel out-of-control. And the more I try to control things the more out-of-control I feel.  I wasn’t anticipating on having my entire universe turned into scrambled eggs in one quick motion. I’m frankly, terrified. Too many changes are happening too quickly and decisions are going to start happening back to back to back and I’m honestly not prepared for them. 

Hopefully, the next six months will be much easier than my mind is preparing me for. However, while I’m generally an optimist, I’m also a realist. Like a fish out of water, I’m going to be gasping for air until I make it to a new tank.